Shirtless Kirk
by Scrat and Jidders
Summary: A rather pointless fic wherein Kirk loses his shirt and an ensign passes Scotty's unofficial and completely secret test.


**AN: **Ha, so this was supposed to be a Christmas gift for a friend... Rather pointless and Scotty kinda stole more of the light than I planned but hey, finally finished!****

Fifth Exchange  
Fandom: Previous work  
Theme: Take an idea previously started and finish it (or at least add a chapter). Previous work does not have to be from the exchanges.  
Word Limit: none  
Time Limit: Three Weeks (March 15th 2010) + extension due to finals

* * *

"So, who wants to go first?" Scotty, Chief Engineer aboard the lovely U.S.S. Enterprise asked the small group of ensigns. They were brand new and straight out of the San Francisco Academy on Earth, probably had never even worked a transporter outside of simulators before. But that was the whole point of today, Scotty liked to start early, let his engineers know exactly how they did things on the Enterprise.

This batch had five ensigns and not a one of them looked like they wanted to volunteer. As Scotty began to lose hope, acknowledging that this group would probably go nowhere fast but a transfer, one thin male with blond hair hesitantly spoke up, "Uh, sir, isn't- err, that is, won't the Captain be heading out next?"

Scotty rose one eyebrow, he had learned that trick from observations of Spock and the Doctor, and answered, "Yup! That a problem?"

A different male, who was slouching slightly and looked bored, answered, "Well, seeing as none of us have actually operated the transporters before, I don't think the Captain would be too happy with us transporting him over."

"Oh, it's not Jim you've got to worry about!" Scotty said, laughing merrily.

This didn't seem to reassure any of the ensigns however as they took a tiny step back just as the door to the transporter room swooshed open. Captain Kirk, Spock, and Doctor McCoy came in, McCoy grumbling and poking at Spock, doubtlessly trying to convince him of the merits of emotion once more.

"Ah, Captain! Spock! Doctor! Lovely day, ain't it?" Scotty said, still beaming despite none of the ensigns passing his unofficial and completely secret test. "Ensign Tooker," the shy man who had made the mistake of being the first to speak up, "will be operating the transporter today."

Ensign Tooker looked stricken and stared at the three men with arguably the most amount of power on the ship in terror, but Scotty didn't appear to notice as he slapped him on the shoulder and pushed him towards controls.

Kirk smiled at the ensign, "First time? Not to worry. We're not expecting any trouble and hey, if all goes well you'll be joining us down there yourself on leave."

Spock rose an eyebrow slowly, "Captain, it is unlikely he will get leave time even if our negotiations are successful in earning federation vessels leave time on the planet. Seeing as he had just graduated from the Academy he had doubtlessly not worked long enough to have earned a leave break yet and there is also the issue of who would man the transporter if he left, especially since it would seem Mr. Scott is taking this opportunity to educate the new ensigns in the finer details of how the transporter is worked."

No one said anything for a moment, staring at Spock and trying to figure out if he was joking or not. Then, seeing as no one else was willing, McCoy broke the ice, never being one to shy away from such things, "Spock, please tell me you're joking."

"I see no reason to jest." Spock said, though he did seem to be getting some enjoyment out of all of it.

"Well," Jim said, looking away from Spock with the ease from being a long time friend, "We don't want to be late. So let's be off Ensign Tooker."

Scotty smiled and turned towards the only ensign who didn't seem relieved, ready to walk him through step by step. After all, it wouldn't do to lose the Captain, First Mate, and Doctor all in one go.

As the three filed onto their spots on the transporter pad, McCoy shot a glare at Ensign Tooker, "Tooker, if anything goes wrong you _will _be receiving an early and extremely thorough and intensive physical when I return. And I better return."

After Tooker locked in the location and watched them phase out Scotty turned and said very seriously, "It's the doctor you've got to be careful about. The man's a terror when you get him mad."

* * *

The first clue that something was wrong was the falling sensation. This was quickly followed by a splash. And then a scream.

As his feet found firm footing within the chest level water, his arms stopped flailing to keep his head up and he stopped his scream, which later while retelling the tale, Jim would insist was really more of a yelp because the water had been blisteringly hot. Besides, it hadn't lasted long, just long enough to focus all attention on him. Which he noticed after he finally got the chance to really breath and he looked up straight into the eyes of a rather purple person.

Jim stilled. A feeling of dread came over him as he remembered the brief lecture Spock had given him on the culture here. Mainly, the fact that skin color was a sign of social status and royalty was literally purple here.

The moment of stillness didn't last long. The most likely royal purple person opened her mouth and a low thrum swept through Jim, but it seemed the equivalent to his scream because seconds later guards poured into the room.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

Jim turned at Bones distinctive voice, unable to help as both he and Spock were easily subdued. Though to be fair, Spock didn't try to fight back and Bones only made a lot of noise. Watching the guards come to line the hot spring he had fallen in, which he had noticed the other two had _not_, Jim supposed he should leave before the treaty completely fell through. This was supposed to be a rather nice planet and it wasn't often planets agreed to become main leave stops for Starfleet. Hanging out in a spring with the Queen was probably frowned on.

He had only take a step away towards the edge when two purple arms wrapped around his chest, strangely cold for the heat of the spring.

"Um, ma'am, I should really get out-"

"Humans are very pleasurable to view." The Queen spoke with a slow slurring speech, a lower intensity of the thrum from her scream pulsing underneath her words.

Jim threw his charming smile at her over his shoulder, still trying to escape, "I do believe the key term there is view. But, ah, you should probably let me go because your guards seem very angry and I came down originally to talk to the council about the Starfleet Treaty. I'll be late if I don't go now."

"Captain," Spock began, waiting for Jim to look at him before continuing, one eyebrow raised pointedly, "Perhaps you could take advantage of meeting the Queen unexpectedly?"

"Do you mean to suggest he should pimp himself out for Starfleet?" McCoy spluttered, looking aghast.

Spock turned to look at the doctor, "I said no such thing, I simply recommended that he should talk directly to the Queen rather than be forced to work through the council."

As much as Jim was enjoying the debate, insistent hands tugging at his shirt, successfully managing to pull it up to his armpits, brought his attention back to the problem at hand. Getting away from the Queen.

Well… with her hands gripping his top so tightly maybe if he just twisted and dropped and yanked and then- yes. Breaking the water again, Jim gasped for air and turned to look at the Queen left holding his golden shirt in her hands. He backed away quickly, because unfortunately that trick could only work once.

She didn't really seem upset, eyes staring directly at his chest and slowly rubbing his shirt between her fingers. She bared her teeth and allowed her tongue to loll out, reminding Jim of a happy dog, and seemed to lean back. "This is the meeting to discuss Starfleet visitation, correct?"

At Jim's nod she _thrummed_ again before speaking, "Well then, it would be quite pointless to go to a meeting where the answer is already determined. As long as the males of your species continues to go shirtless than I see no reason to bar any human from here."

Jim paused, wondering if he really did just gain visitation rights within moments of arrival simply by being amazing. Opening his mouth to speak, he found himself with nothing to say. Sure, he knew people thought he was hot and it worked to his advantage, but seriously. He hadn't even needed to _try_ this time.

Once again, it was McCoy who broke the ice by seemingly reading Jim's mind, "I don't believe it. You didn't even have to say anything."

The Queen turned her attention to McCoy, tongue lolling to the other side, "Why is your shirt still on? I believe I stated all male humans must go shirtless, and I do very much desire seeing you shirtless."

Spock stepped in, diverting attention from the flustered Doctor, "Until we return to our ship to finalize the proceedings with Starfleet Command, no such decree can exist."

"That is true. Why are you still here?" The Queen had pulled her tongue back in and turned away dismissively, "I am expecting your return quickly. Your reception to your ship should be blocked within the Royal Hot Springs so leave it. But," a subtle thrum swept through, "the guards will be alerted that you three have special permission to return, I expect you to do so soon."

Jim couldn't grin any larger as he scrambled, rather gracefully, out of the spring. Throwing an arm around each Bones and Spock, who the guards had long ago let go, he started propelling them towards the exit, "You heard the Queen, we really should hurry."

"It would seem I haven't lost it completely yet," Bones muttered, a grin quirking his lips. "She was upset I kept my shirt on!"

Jim laughed and took a half step away as Spock got back in contact with the Enterprise, preparing himself for the cold of the ship awaiting.

* * *

Ensign Tooker only stopped his hyperventilating as three very well known figures appeared on the transporter pad before him. He quickly stopped breathing all together once he actually looked at them. He briefly took in the Captain's shivering and soaked shirtless form, he glanced at the spotless half-Vulcan, but his attention was on the Doctor, his earlier threat echoing in his ears (_extremely thorough… intensive… physical… it's the doctor you've got to be careful about… early physical… man's a terror… early and thorough… intensive physical)_.

So it was to his great surprise when McCoy stepped off the platform with a wide grin and clapped him on the back, "My good man, you did a great job! Now if you don't mind, I have to make sure Sickbay can handle my absence for awhile." He walked off into the hallway chuckling.

Slowly, Tooker started to breathe again, looking at the Captain and Spock to see if they were bothered by his mistakes. Instead of angry, they both appeared as joyful as McCoy had been - well, as joyful as a Vulcan could appear with straight mouth and carefully relaxed eyes.

"You performed adequately in your task Ensign Tooker. I shall look forward to your future services." Turning to the Captain, Spock nodded his head, "Congratulations on another successful mission Captain. I shall see you on the bridge after you acquire a new uniform for the call to Starfleet Command."

"Right," Kirk said, not paying particular attention to the leaving half-Vulcan. Instead, he turned directly to Ensign Tooker with a smile, "Rather ingenious of you, dropping us off in the royal hot springs. Gutsy, I like it. I think you'll do well on the Enterprise."

The six Engineers, for Scotty had allowed no one to leave while the away team had been unreachable, watched silently as the three men filed out of the room. As one, the five ensigns turned to Scotty with wide eyes.

Perhaps encouraged by his recent experience, but more likely still lost in the shock of it, Tooker spoke, "I… I just lost Captain Kirk, Commander Spock, and Doctor McCoy and- They congratulated me! I- Wha- But!"

"Ahh ladie," Scotty intervened, any slight worry about the missing captain gone, "We engineers operate mostly on skill. Now, for those with a simpler profession of running a starship and whatnot, they never fully understand what it is we do. This leads to a tendency of giving us more than our fair share of the credit. You'll come to understand it as our due, especially when things that go wrong have a habit of fixing themselves – we always take credit." He paused to see if they understood but their faces were blank. He shrugged, they'd come to understand in time. Maybe this batch was better than he thought, after all, even while hyperventilating Tooker was able to retrieve the Captain, who did seem successful in his mission (after all, his shirt was gone so it must have gone well). Decided, he gave Tooker a brilliant smile, "Congratulations! You passed my test!"


End file.
